


Sincerely, Me

by ExtraordinaryElliot



Series: Musical Angst [ multi ] [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, OOC for some characters, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, and they were actually close friends, au where Evan's note was actually Connor's suicide note, if you know what i mean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-17 13:12:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10594722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExtraordinaryElliot/pseuds/ExtraordinaryElliot
Summary: After a bad fight with his mom, Jared, and Zoe, Evan turns to the only thing he knows - a bottle of pills that used to help with his anxiety, but now might help with something else.





	1. and i'll say

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sylveonstri](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sylveonstri/gifts).



> So I watched the bootleg of Dear Evan Hansen and seeing the panicked look on Evan's face while they're all singing Good For You just struck me as something that would lead to this or something like this.
> 
> So, basically, everything Evan said is real and Evan's note is actually Connor's suicide note. Just think of 'all my hope is pinned on Zoe' to 'all my hope is pinned on you'

He's not listening. He can't listen, he doesn't want to listen - his mom is yelling, screaming, crying. There's more yelling, from both of them, each of them saying something he knows they're going to regret. "Well, at least they actually care about me!" he spits out, after a particularly nasty comment from Hedi about how he had no right to be asking strangers for money like a god damned _whore_. Hedi stares at him, her eyes watering with unshed tears. Evan is sure he isn't any better, feeling his whole body shake from anger and repressed sadness. Evan keeps his eyes trained on the wall behind her, not willing to look his mother in the eyes.

"You know what, Evan? Maybe they're the only people who do!" Evan lets out a sharp gasp at her words, feeling like he had just been punched. He can see the instant regret in her eyes, and she reaches for him, calling his name as he runs out the door, his breath leaving his body in sharp gasps. He runs - he doesn't know where he's running, just that he needs to get out, he needs to get away from her, he needs to go somewhere where no one is going to find him. _Dear Evan Hansen, Evan Hansen, Hansen-_

He feels his phone vibrate and quickly takes it out of his pocket, throwing it behind him as hard as he can without looking back. He stumbles but doesn't fall, eyes blurring with tears that continue to make their way down his face. Someone is screaming - is it him? Or is Hedi chasing him, trying to apologize and reach out to her son, the only good thing in her life? Isn't that what she had said? That he was the best thing that had ever happened to her? Or had he imagined it, created a thought that was so far away and unbelievable that he actually believed it?

Evan found himself at Jared's door, breathing hard. He wiped at his eyes after he'd knocked, knowing Jared would be home, he had to be home, _please let him be home_. His friend - family friend, Evan reminded himself - opened the door, raising an eyebrow when he saw Evan standing there, without a sweater in the cold night. He crossed his arms and leaned against the door, not willing to invite Evan inside. "Jared, I- I need your help," Evan pleaded, fidgeting with his hands.

"Yeah, seventeen thousand dollars is a lot to raise in one week," Jared supplied, a sneer on his face. Evan looked up quickly, feeling his heart break at the tone in Jared's voice. "Honestly, Evan, make up your fucking _mind_! You didn't want my help a few hours ago when everything was fine and dandy, but now you do? What changed, Evan Hansen? Because it sure wasn't my feelings about how much of an asshole you are." Evan held back a sob, straightening himself out as he looked at Jared.

"I bet you wouldn't even care of I disappeared, huh, Jared Kleinman?" Evan asked, his sarcastic voice making an appearance.

"You know, Hansen, I really wouldn't. I just kept you around for my car insurance. My mom thinks we're actually friends, so if you disappeared, I would probably get a new car because they'd feel so _bad_ for me!" Jared hissed, slamming the door. Evan turned away quickly, running again. Why was everything going wrong? What was happening with Evan - sarcastic and rude without saying sorry? Tears began filling his eyes again, but Evan held them back, making his way to the only other place that he knew: the Murphy Residence.

Zoe answered the door, a bright smile on her face when she realized that Evan had come back despite having gone home a few hours ago. But Evan's mind was elsewhere, and he declined her offer to come inside. "Zoe, I need to- I want to talk. About us. About _this_ ," Evan stated, motioning between them. Zoe's smile fell, and Evan could almost feel her chest tightening with his, her hands crossing in front of her chest. Evan was painfully reminded of his encounter with Jared only an hour prior, but refrained from crying.

"You're breaking up with me?"

"N-"

"Is this about the money, Evan? Were you just using me for the money? And now that you don't have it, you're done with me? Or was it about Connor? You wanted some way to remember him, right?" Evan paused. She wasn't wrong there, and it hurt to think about. It stung at how right she really was, because Connor had been a little bit more than a friend. He'd been a happiness, and maybe Evan had tried to replace that happiness by dating Zoe. Still, he protested.

"What? No, Zoe-"

"Goodbye, Evan." She closed the door.

_She closed the door._

Evan walked home alone, shaking. He felt like laughing at how the universe was screwing him over, but then he would look crazy, and Evan already looked crazy, and Evan didn't want the neighbors to call the police on him again. _Dear Evan Hansen - today started out as a good day. You had Zoe, and now you don't. Now it's all gone, you're gone, people want you to disappear. Jared - your only friend, Jared - was right. Your mom was right, Zoe didn't say anything but she's right, too. They're all right._

His mother's car wasn't in the driveway when he got home, Evan noted. The door was locked, but easy to get open again. He made sure to lock it behind him, not wanting his mom to figure out where he was so quickly. Evan's mind was made up - he would disappear, just like everyone wanted him to. Perhaps he should warn someone, maybe Alana or even Jared, But Alana wouldn't answer his calls, even if Evan did have his phone, and Jared would laugh and ask if he could help, because Evan was such a burden, Evan was _nothing_ -

He swallowed a handful of pills, then another, and another. He'd been saving his medication, not taking it at all, lying to his mom about it. When she'd asked to see the bottles, he would pour the pills into a bag and get another bottle the next day. And now there was an endless supply of pills to take, and Evan was taking all of them. _Mom. You need to write to mom. She's probably at class now, or maybe work. Is it Sunday? Monday?_ Evan thought, feeling tired. Blindly, he reached for a notepad, grabbing a pen and scribbling down a note.

_Dear Connor Murphy,_  
_Today is going to be a good day, and here's why - I'm going to see you again. It's my last day. A bit funny, don't you think, how I always told you not to kill yourself, and yet here I am, killing myself? It the words of you, 'Isn't that the saddest fucking thing?' Jared would laugh right now, right? Make a comment that everyone thinks is stupid, but I actually find funny? I've missed you. It's weird, not hearing your voice unless I'm feeling anxious. Zoe thought I was breaking up with her, but I just needed someone to talk to me. I hope she doesn't feel guilty about this. I also wanted to call Alana so someone would stop me, but I dropped my phone. Is dropped the correct term? Or am I doing what I did when I fell out of the tree?_  
_You were right. I didn't fall. I let go._

__

Evan sat back on his bed, closing his eyes tightly as tears began to fall. He quickly scribbled down something else before setting down the notepad by his bed and curling into a ball on his side, facing away from the door. _No, Evan, the Murphy family doesn't care for you. Only Connor cared for you. You're going to see Connor again._

He was going to see Connor again.

_He was going to see Connor again._

Evan smiled for the last time, his heart slowing to a dull thud, then nothing at all. It had seemed to go on forever, until Evan opened his eyes and looked up, catching the familiar smile of Connor Murphy. He offered his hand to the newly dead boy, and they both pretended not to hear Hedi's scream as she found Evan. Instead, Connor pulled Evan up, and smiled brightly. "Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day, and here's why..."

Evan smiled back. "We're together again. Just you and me, and that's good enough for the rest of our lives."

"Sincerely, me."

_Dear Evan Hansen,_  
_Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be? I know, because there's you, and all my hope is pinned on you and only you, and I don’t even know why I'm saying this, but I love you. Maybe if I could just talk to you. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different. I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone.To you. I mean, face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?_  
_Sincerely,_  
_Your best, and dearest friend,_  
_Me_

_Dear Connor Murphy,_  
_Today is going to be a good day, and here's why - I'm going to see you again. It's my last day. A bit funny, don't you think, how I always told you not to kill yourself, and yet here I am, killing myself? It the words of you, 'Isn't that the saddest fucking thing?' Jared would laugh right now, right? Make a comment that everyone thinks is stupid, but I actually find funny? I've missed you. It's weird, not hearing your voice unless I'm feeling anxious. Zoe thought I was breaking up with her, but I just needed someone to talk to me. I hope she doesn't feel guilty about this. I also wanted to call Alana so someone would stop me, but I dropped my phone. Is dropped the correct term? Or am I doing what I did when I fell out of the tree?_  
_You were right. I didn't fall. I let go._ _But you know what? I love you, too. Perhaps more than I've loved anyone. And I can't wait to see you again._  
_Your best, dearest, most awkward friend,_  
_Evan Hansen (that's me!)_


	2. why don't you go fuck yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> for @That_hamilfan

**HEDI HANSEN**

The funeral is, unsurprisingly, bare. There's barely enough money to buy Evan a suit, so Hedi doesn't buy flowers. She passes the tree where Evan broke his arm and picks a bundle of dandelions from under the tall tree. The Murphy family offered to pay every expense and more, but Hedi denied their offer for money yet again. She doesn't want a big, fancy thing that everyone will know about. She knows Evan doesn't want that either, so she buys him the suit and she sets out twelve chairs.

Three for the Murphy family, three for the Kleinman family, one for Alana Beck, four for her ex-husband and his family, and one for her.

Hedi is numb. She had driven around town for six hours, looking for her son. Desperate to apologize. To make things right, because what she had said had not been acceptable. She had hurt him in ways a mother should never hurt her child. _Evan. My Evan._ The tears began to flow even before she had sat down. Cynthia Murphy wrapped an arm around her, both of them sobbing silently. The other two - Larry and Zoe - stayed back, knowing it wasn't a good time.

"I know. Let it all out, Hedi. It'll help," Cynthia whispered.

So she did - Hedi was back to being numb by the time the funeral actually started. A few tears. That's all she had left. Even when she had to stand up and help her husband carry the casket to the grave, Hedi didn't cry. Not fully. _Crying won't bring him back. Crying isn't what Evan would have wanted._

But Evan wasn't there.

So Hedi cried.

**JARED KLEINMAN**

Jared wouldn't say he was happy that Evan disappeared.

That's what nine-year-old Jared Kleinman had told himself when he had made friends with Evan Hansen, who had been having a panic attack at the thought of meeting new people. That's what Jared Kleinman had told himself when Evan had shown up on his doorstep last week. _I will not treat him like shit. I will not treat this kid like shit. I will not treat my friend like shit._

And yet here they were - Hedi Hansen, sobbing near the casket. His mom, speaking quietly with his dad. Him, stomach turning at the thought that he had done this to Evan. Evan, his only friend. Evan, the only person who had stuck by him during the worst times. Evan, who had worried about Jared through all his phases. _But he always laughed at the bath bomb phase, though._

Jared was rooted to his seat, shivers passing through his body. He had been up for nearly a full week, not able to sleep over what he had said. Evan didn't deserve that. Jared was a dick. He had been tired, sure, but that was no fucking excuse. At least, not to Jared. _Evan is dead because of you. Evan, your only friend. Evan, who stuck beside you through everything. Your grandmother's death. Your father's drug abuse. Your own drug abuse. He helped you. And you killed him. Try coming back from that one, Jared._

He looked up.

He saw Alana Beck. The fury in her eyes. The fury towards him.

And he broke down.

**ZOE MURPHY**

Zoe wouldn't say she felt guilty.

But Zoe wouldn't say she was happy.

Zoe would say she was numb.

The moment she had gotten that phone call - Hedi Hansen, speaking frantically, not knowing Zoe had broken Evan's heart - Zoe felt her world crash. She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't sleep. She hadn't touched her musical instruments since that call. She felt like she didn't deserve to, not when she had basically told Evan to go fuck himself. Her last words that been so cruel.

But Zoe had found Connor's journal - all the entries about Evan. About their meetngs. About how their relationship progressed. All of it.

She had been angry.

_That wasn't an excuse._

Now she was numb.

_It's your fault._

**ALANA BECK**

Alana told herself to stay strong. For Hedi. For Zoe. For Jared. For herself, who, for the first time in her life, felt ... disconnected. Sure, she had thought she felt disconnected before, like she wasn't really there. When her mom died, Alana had cried. But she hadn't been close with her mom, not really. Her mom was always working. Evan ... Evan was different. Sure, they had their differences. But Alana was protective of him. And it seemed Evan had looked up to her, or to her, or _whatever._

They understood each other.

And now he was gone.

_Evan is dead._

_Don't cry._

Alana took a shaky breath, getting to her feet. The flowers in her hand - fake roses dyed blue - were shaking as much as she was. She caught the eyes of Jared Kleinman as she passed his grieving family. She wanted to scream at him - how _dare_ he be one of the reasons that Evan is dead? But one look at his face made her keep walking. He was obviously holding back tears, his lip wobbling as he kept in gasps. Alana met his eyes once.

He broke down.

Alana kept walking. She placed the flowers next to Evan, quickly wiping at her eyes. He looked peaceful. No more anxiety. Alana wished she could be like him. Not dead, per say. But less anxious.

_Evan. Poor, sweet Evan. At least your with Connor now. I kept your secret. I'm so sorry._

She leaned down and placed a kiss on his forehead. He was cold.

_Are you happy?_


End file.
